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Jacqueline also finds her place in the world in the season finale. While this seems to undercut the lesson she learned in the last episode - that she doesn’t have to give all of herself over to help people and can’t help people until she’s helped herself - I don’t care because this still feels very much in character. And Kimmy being Kimmy chooses option C and directs the bus to hit her, saving everyone.
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You know, your classic Trolley Problem that encapsulates utilitarianism, because we’ve kind of come full circle with the last episode. Eventually, the exam comes down to one test: Kimmy has to choose between directing an oncoming bus toward one person or toward a group of people.
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To get the job, she needs to pass a series of examinations, which includes a computer test that she aces and a simulation in the parking lot of the precinct, which involves her crossing-guarding a bunch of police officers in a parking lot. Given her recent expulsion, Kimmy decides to turn her attention to the dream she had at the beginning of the season: becoming a crossing guard. Now, all she needs is to do more things she can happily look back on and eventually push her Mole Woman past to the second page - and maybe, when she’s president of America, that history will be on page three. Later, Kimmy plays her philosophy “rap” for Xan and delights in the fact that something she’s proud of, even if it’s mortifying (did you see that eel roll?), has become the first result on her Google search. She’s not afraid to be awkward with him, and the two of them continue to “freestyle” until most of the class leaves. Maybe if Perry were into American history…) As the students begin recording his awkward performance, Kimmy jumps in to save him from internet ruin. (Teens aren’t all that into rap versions of lessons about philosophy, it turns out. Kimmy realizes Andrea has a point and heads back across the river ( phew) to see Perry do his rap routine to her class, something he’s been psyched about - but turns out to be incredibly embarrassing for him. Turns out, Steve Harvey will be at the owners meeting, and Duke is going to give him Titus’ reel. So, Jacqueline wins - she’ll go with Duke to the owners’ meeting and will make them change their team name. And the whole conversation is recorded! If this gets out, it will destroy Duke. While blackout drunk, Duke was talking to Titus-Flouncy-Cork and admitted that he’s worried about football-related brain injuries, which is why his kids play soccer instead. The iPad has some very incriminating evidence. That’s when Duke spots the iPad on Jacqueline’s bureau, which she used to record the night so that Russ will know she was faithful (well, faithful-ish) if he ever leaves the hospital. He’ll wake up the next morning and think they had sex! It’s a genius plan! The only thing is, when Duke wakes up, he knows they didn’t have sex (not even Jacqueline’s sexy robe can fool him) because - a-ha! - he always calls his dad after he has sex, and he has no outgoing calls to his father.
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The two put their heads together, and Jacqueline decides to slip some drugs into Duke’s shot so that he passes out.
Lillian heads to Chez White to try to help Jacqueline manage the Duke-Titus-Flouncy-Cork situation. Titus refuses to kiss the puppet - prude - but in not doing so, he has an epiphany that he would do anything for love, even if he doesn’t actually do it. The job is Titus’, but things get 30 Rock-level ridiculous when Lonny pulls out a puppet and attempts to force Titus into the arts-and-crafts version of a casting couch porno. The audition goes well - Titus explains life lessons to a series of diverse children and belts his best ‘bet (which I choose to believe was inspired by this iconic Patti LaBelle A to Z from 1998).
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But unlike usual, Titus is galvanized by love this time, so he follows through and sneaks himself a casting appointment with Street producer Lonny. Titus swallows his pride and asks for help from his longtime acting rival Coriolanus, who freely points Titus in the right direction of a Sesame Street producer, assuming that Titus will just give up as usual. So, in his first ridiculous scheme of the season, Titus decides that the only way to be worthy enough to see his boyfriend again is to get a job on Sesame Street (modern dating in a nutshell, am I right?).